The Japanese Are Already Dead!
by vetty123
Summary: Imagine...a world where Lelouch prevented the Massacre and changed everything! No Zero Requiem, no World Domination, and World Peace for All. A world where Euphemia is alive. How is this possible? See inside for more details. Pre-Season 2. Three-Shot. Euphemia/Suzaku, Cornelia/Guilford, implied Lelouch/C.C. NonIdiot!Lelouch. COMPLETE!
1. The Japanese Are Already Dead!

**.**

**A/N:** So, the inspiration for this two-shot came to me one night when I was lying awake, thinking how terrible it was that Euphie had to die. I mean, everyone'd seen it coming: Kill the nice person (almost always female) to shock the audience. How clichéd. I mean, the same theme's in pretty much every serious anime I've heard of so far: Mayuri in _Steins;Gate_, Aiko in _Elfen Lied_, Hiroko Asahina from _RahXephon_, Fuko and Nagisa in _Clannad_, Yung in _Blue Gender_, Nina in _Fullmetal Alchemist_ – the list is pretty extensive. Still, it never cease to suck.

But then I started thinking. Something was bothering me. Wasn't there a loophole that Lelouch, the genius, should have exploited to keep Euphie alive and her reputation intact? I pondered it a bit more through the night, and this plot is what came from my twisted musings. I'm really proud of it, though!

Crack-ish, EuphemiaxSuzaku, a bit of GuilfordxCornelia. Implied LelouchxC.C. No limes/lemons. Happy endings all around, because that's what should have happened.

For the exact point where my line diverges from the canon, go to 16:25 of Episode 22, "Bloodstained Euphemia", when Lelouch yells "Euphie, don't!" Right there's when things change (in this, anyway). For the point at which my narrative begins, go to 14:38 of the same episode.

**Disclaimer**: Apparently, these are necessary for every story. Seriously, if I owned _Code Geass_ in any way, shape or form, would I really need to write this stuff before each story? Wouldn't I just write the anime this way instead, huh? Did anyone ever think of that before hurling around accusations? Huh? _Did they_? (_*sigh*_) Anyway, I own nothing.

* * *

><p>"<strong>Blah<strong>" – Zero speech

"_Blah_" – Emphasis to be placed on word

_Blah_ – (italics outside of quotes) Character thoughts

* * *

><p>xxXxx<p>

"Consider: can the Universe be justifiably called infinite? Doubtful. It may not have a discernible end, but it had a beginning – and its component parts definitely have a limited cosmological shelf life."

_Steins;Gate Episode 1_

"Perhaps the Universe can justifiably be called infinite. But the possibilities within it? Different story altogether…"

_Steins;Gate Episode 24_

* * *

><p><strong>The Japanese Are Already Dead!<strong>

By Vetty123 (aka Okabe Rintarou, Worldline Unknown)

Chapter 1

**The Japanese Are Already Dead!**

xxXxx

_During Zero's talk with Euphemia,  
><em>_The Special Administrative Zone Stadium_

Lelouch couldn't believe his ears. Euphemia had given up her claim to the throne? And she was genuinely trying to restart Japan? This was not a turn of events he'd foreseen. He needed time to think, and so resorted to laughing maniacally while sorting through his thoughts.

_All this…for something Nunally said?_

"And Cornelia?" he asked, desperately hoping to find a weakness in Euphemia's arguments.

"It's not like we'll never see each other again," she retorted, squelching his last remaining way out. He wheeled like a rat in a trap, blocked off at every turning.

A moment of silence. "Euphie, you are a fool…an amazing fool," Lelouch said, finally accepting his fate and admitting defeat.

She, however, thought that he was insulting her, and tried to justify her actions. "I know I'm not as smart as you Lelouch, I've never been able to beat you at games or studies; however – "

Lelouch broke in, cutting of her misinterpreted defense of herself. "However, in your usual rash Euphie-fashion you've managed to end up winning all of it. When I think of you, I don't visualize a sub-viceroy or a princess, I only see the plain little Euphie who you used to be."

She stopped short, then smiled as she realized what he meant. "Then will you join plain little Euphie and help her?" she asked, extending her hand to the erstwhile revolutionary.

Lelouch shifted away from the proffered limb uneasily, fully aware of what would happen if he took her hand. _The end of the revolution. The end of Zero._ But then a thought struck him, one that filled him with both disgust at his own weakness and an unaccustomed feeling of…hope? _The end of Zero Requiem_.

He continued looking at Euphie for a few moments more, returning her unblinking gaze. He came to a decision.

"You are…" he paused, considering his next words. "You are the worst opponent I have ever faced," he declared, stepping forward and taking her hand with his. And finally, his admission of surrender:

"You win."

"Huh?" Euphie blinked. She hadn't been expecting him to give up so easily, not after he'd been ordering her to "stain her hands with blood" just five minutes ago.

"I'll amend my plans to help out your Special Zone," he said, to which she let out a sigh of relief. He was quick to add, however: "But not as your subordinate, all right?" It wasn't really important, but he couldn't go down too easily, now could he?

Euphie's face, which had been brightening with each word Lelouch uttered, lit up brilliantly. The sight of her dazzling face invoked something foreign within Lelouch himself. _Is this what it feels like to be hopeful? Well then, I'm hopeful, and everyone can know it!_

_With Euphie's deal, I can side with Suzaku. I can change the way things are from inside the system, like he's always wanted. We can work together to get to the very top of this filthy pyramid: with my Geass, it should be easy to take control without too much strife. This is good; this is great._

_I feel fantastic._

Continuing, Euphemia smilingly said, "All right. Though you haven't got very much faith in me, have you?"

"Hmm?" Lelouch, confused by the tangent in the conversation, hummed inquiringly. _What did she mean by that?_

"Did you honestly believe that by simply threatening me I would shoot you?"

Lelouch realized what she meant. _So that was it. Well, she doesn't know about my Geass, so it's only to be expected_. "Oh no, you've got it all wrong." _I wouldn't have had to _threaten_ you, I'd just have ordered you._ "When I really want people to follow my orders, they will not resist me – whether it's to shoot me, to grant pardon to Suzaku, or any order at all!"

Euphemia replied, almost playfully, "Oh, now you're being silly! Stop playing with me!"

He continued along this vein, trying to convince her that his Geass really could control people's minds, heedless of his left eye's powers activating. "I'm serious!" _How can I make her see my point? Ah, that's it! A vivid example ought to let me explain exactly what I mean._

He blundered ahead. "For example, if I told you to kill all the Japanese, it wouldn't matter how you felt about it."

The former leader of the resistance kept on talking, missing the blank look on Euphie's face as her neural pathways were altered beyond repair and the red Geass-rim of color appeared around her iris. He noticed, however, when she took a hesitant step back and stammered a frantic refusal.

"No…don't make me do it, please! I'm not –"

He took a breath of air in sharply. What was this? _Surely I didn't…surely she isn't…_

Euphie, shivering, raised both hands to hug herself, her pleading eyes lost in the distance as she struggled to fight off the overwhelming compulsion assailing her mind. "I'm not going to do it, please…!"

Lelouch could only stare in shock as his half-sister dropped to her knees with a cry. Euphie collapsed on herself, curling into a ball as she stuttered brokenly, "I don't want to kill them!"

"Did I…" the stunned boy asked himself. _Has she been…could I have…but no. That's impossible! My Geass wasn't activated, there's no_ _reason for her to be acting this way! Come on, think, you fool. What in the world is going on?_

His scrambled musings were cut short by Euphie herself, who suddenly stopped struggling as though she'd reached a conclusion. Her head slowly looked up, and she uttered her words in a inflectionless monotone.

"You're right. I have to kill all the Japanese," she said, in that hypnotized voice. Lelouch's heart clenched and his mind raced to work out what was going on…then it came to him. His mismatched eyes widened as he realized what was happening.

"I've become like Mao – I can't control my Geass power!" This understanding gave the beleaguered boy no relief, as he felt the hope that had been kindled within his heart for a moment fade and sputter out. _And I've got no one to blame but myself._

He madly tried to remedy the situation, knowing it was hopeless before he started.

"Forget the order I just gave you…Euphie! Wait Euphie, don't!"

As Euphemia grabbed the gun from the floor and turned to face the door, Lelouch's brilliant mind had already worked out the results of his actions.

_Her name will be dragged through the mud, and the rebellion will gain support from every corner of the country in the face of Britannia's expected treachery._

Euphemia was halfway to the door, holding her bustle out of the way of her rushing feet as she ran to the crowd waiting outside. His self-condemnatory thoughts shrieked and howled within his mind, tormenting his already twisted conscience.

_She'll be killed, no doubt; most likely by my very own Black Knights. And I've forced her into this cruel charade. Here was a chance for actual freedom, for bargaining with Britannia. And now, Zero Requiem will be played out, and the world will bleed itself dry._

Euphemia was almost at the door, moments from ruining the glorious dream she had come so close to making a reality. Lelouch thrashed wildly about the room, racking his mind mercilessly.

_Focus, you idiot. You've got a mind capable of defeating Clovis' best troops with nothing more than a handful of amateur terrorists – this should be nothing more than child's play! Come on, there has to be a way out of this. Think. Think!_

A fraction of a second before Euphie could wrench the door open and begin her inevitable massacre of the innocents gathered in the stadium, Lelouch's subconscious provided a possible way out. If nothing else, this attempt might gain a bit more time to work his way out of this nightmare he'd been dropped into. He opened his mouth and hollered at the top of his lungs the sentence that would change everything:

_(__**Divergence Point!**)_

"The Japanese are already dead!"

* * *

><p>Euphie froze with her hands on the door. Silence lay over the whole room as the girl processed what she'd just heard. <em>Already dead? But that means…I won't have to kill anyone!<em> She lowered her arms and rotated her body steadily until she was facing her half-brother, then cocked her head curiously, crimson-ringed eyes staring at him.

"Dead? Who killed them?"

Lelouch experienced a flurry of mixed emotions at that moment. Confusion: _How on earth did she fall for that? _Relief: _Never mind, that was great! It worked, she's not going on a crazy, homicidal rampage! Yet! _Pride: _I'm such a genius_. Then: _Wait…who killed them? They're not dead, so…who killed them? Ummm…_

"Ummm…" He bit his lip, focusing hard, unable to come up with an answer that would satisfy Euphie in her current state. _Oh, great, you just bought everyone outside an extra four seconds of life. Way to be a hero, Lelouch._

The boy's neurons fired at a furious rate as the young terrorist searched his mind frantically. Currently there was only one thing going in his favor, and that was the fact that Euphie seemed to be resisting his Geass as much as possible. That could save the day…_Or, maybe she'll do what every subject before this has done, follow your orders to the letter, and go __**kill the Japanese**__!_

Suddenly, the mocking voice was silenced by the germ of an idea that took root in his mind, preoccupying his thoughts entirely. _If they were…maybe…it might work?_

The young woman kept looking at the young revolutionary, watching his face contort as he thought, before saying, "If they're really dead, I will have to kill nobody. But your observation makes no sense: there is a crowd of Japanese outside that must die. Goodbye, Lelouch." She turned to the door again, reaching for the knob.

"Wait! Please, you have to hear me out!" Lelouch shouted, double-checking his reasoning in his head. _Would that logic apply? Please, _please_ let Euphie believe this! Euphie, fight this, I know you're fighting…_

"You don't have to kill anyone, and I know that you'd hate to kill someone if it was unnecessary, right, Euphie?"

The red-eyed girl looked at him and nodded. "I would dislike having to end another human's life if it were avoidable in any way." The intensity of the fire in her eyes died a bit as the two personalities within her clashed. The girl looked indecisive for a bare instant, before the ring in her eyes strengthened and solidified completely. "Still, the command was perfectly clear: kill all the Japanese."

Lelouch nodded along with the girl's reasoning, working out his next words in his head. "Absolutely right, so it was, so it was. Perfectly clear: kill all the Japanese. That's exactly what I said. But it is _you_ who fail to understand that the order was superfluous – it is completely impossible for you to kill all the Japanese!"

_Please let this work, please let this work, please let this work…_

Euphie crinkled her forehead, confused. "Completely impossible? You're not making any sense, Lelouch. What do you mean?"

"In order to answer that, won't you please have a seat?" he asked, gesturing to a pair of chairs by a nearby computer deck. _That's right, Euphie, take the bait. Ask me why there are no Japanese._

"Lelouch, I really don't have time for this. I am feeling obliged to go outside, and you are holding me back," said the Princess, looking eager to go above and get started on her work. After all, she had to kill all the Japanese. _I guess I could ask them to die on their own, but I don't think that will work…I suppose I'll have to do it myself, then._

Lelouch frowned. The Geass had more hold over her free will than he'd thought – she actually seemed excited about going up and massacring people, which was completely against the Euphie that he knew. Ah, well, he had no choice: he was just going to have to bluff his way through this one.

He sat down. "Come, Euphie. I have news that may be of great interest to you."

He took a deep breath. _Do or die time. This is what makes or breaks that glorious future Euphie had planned before I screwed everything up…_

Drawn by the bait, Euphie walked over and sat down. Lelouch breathed a huge sigh of mental relief. _One obstacle down, several dozen to go…_

"A brief history lesson, Princess Euphemia." The girl frowned slightly, obviously thinking this was a waste of her precious Japanese-killing time. "Let me finish, please. In 2010, seven years ago, Japan was invaded by Britannia in the infamous One-Month War. The war culminated with the suicide of the president, Genbu Kururugi, and the colonization and annexation of Japan."

He raised a slender figure. "This is important. Japan was colonized, meaning that its inhabitants were changed on a fundamental level. Japan was also annexed, meaning that it lost its individuality and sovereignty."

She broke in here. "Lelouch, I must be going. I must kill all the Japanese on this island, and the sooner I do it the better". Lelouch frowned. _Her compulsion must be strengthening over time. I'm going to have to present my trump card soon…_

"Ah, but that is where you are mistaken. You see, Euphemia, there _are_ no Japanese upon this island. In fact, there are no Japanese alive _anywhere_."

The Princess interrupted again, asking, "Whatever do you mean? Everybody who is not a Britannian and who lives upon this island must be a Japanese person. That's just logical."

"That's where you're mistaken, my misinformed Princess," Lelouch said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. "These people are _not_, in fact, Japanese."

"Not Japanese? Well, then…what are they?" she asked, baffled. _What nonsense is he spouting?_

"They're all _Elevens_, Euphemia," Lelouch said carelessly, with an airy attitude that belied the seriousness of the discussion. "Nothing but Elevens. Remember, Japan resigned its sovereignty and gave up its individuality over seven years ago, when they were annexed formally following the One-Month War."

Euphie's brow furrowed as she followed the reasoning. "But–"

Lelouch kept moving, talking fast, not allowing her to get a word in edgewise. "And when the Prime Minister committed suicide, he ordered the Japanese military to disband, and all Japanese citizens to lay down their arms and submit to the invaders. The Japanese surrendered unconditionally, and in doing so, laid down the title of 'Japanese' with their weapons, donning their current name of Elevens."

Euphie's eyes widened, and the ring of fire surrounding her iris dimmed a little and broke up in places. "So you're saying that…"

Lelouch finished her statement for her. "…The Japanese Are Already Dead!" (_Roll Credits! Oh wait…)_

There was silence following this epiphany. Lelouch watched with bated breath as Euphie mulled the concept over in her head, holding a discussion with herself. _Come on, fate, don't fail me now…_

"You're right," she murmured. _I won't kill anyone._

Lelouch's head shot up, hardly daring to believe his ears. "What?"

Euphie's faced was beaming again, dazzling him with its radiance. "You're right! When Japan surrendered and agreed to be annexed, the demographic known as 'the Japanese' ceased to exist! All that is left…are Elevens!" Her blue-violet eyes were clear from the glowing shackles of the Geass, and her voice was normal again.

An inconceivable weight rolled off of the elder Lamperouge's chest: though the battle had been hard, was finally upon him. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to luxuriate in the pure relief for a moment. _Thank you so mu–_

"Oh, wait," a voice that was somehow indescribably plaintive and yet perfectly emotionless said.

Lelouch's internal celebrations stopped dead in their tracks. Slowly, he opened his eyes again and fixed them on the Sub-Viceroy of Area Eleven. "What? What's wrong?" he asked. _Isn't this over yet?_

"Those people out there…aren't they all here to join the Special Administrative Zone?"

His heart sinking inside his chest, Lelouch nodded slowly, unsure of where this conversation was going. Euphemia, however, was on a roll. Her eyes were circled with a blazing orb of fire.

Euphie nodded thoughtfully, rubbing her chin with one delicate hand. "And aren't they trying to revive Japan?"

_Oh, confound it. _Screaming on the inside now, Lelouch had no choice but to nod again, fully aware of the final conclusion now.

"And so," Euphie declared triumphantly, eyes blazing red, "Doesn't that make them all Japanese?"

Thinking fast, Lamperouge tried to buy himself some time. "Well, they're going to technically call the new nation the United States of Japan, so that would make them all…Japan-icans?" A weak effort, he knew, but he didn't think he was going to win this one.

Euphie frowned. "Well, the Colonies of America called their citizens 'Americans' before they were destroyed, after all. And 'American' was the common collective plural for 'America', so it only makes sense that United States of Japan follow suit and call its own citizens by the correct derivative – Japanese. And I must kill all the Japanese, so I must kill everyone in the United States of Japan. And everyone in the stands above is here for that, so I must kill them all!"

Helpless in the face of her twisted logic, Lelouch could only watch powerlessly as the deranged princess turned to the door again, prepared to open Pandora's Box and release every evil upon the earth. No, not Pandora's Box: she wasn't even leaving hope behind. _Looks like the Zero Requiem will have to come to fruition after all. I'm sorry, Euphie. I'm really, truly sorry. I tried…_

* * *

><p>However, just before Euphie's hand grasped the doorknob, the door was flung open from the outside. Standing in the rectangle of light, breathing raggedly and on the verge of collapse, but still maintaining a completely emotionless face, was the last green-haired witch Lelouch had expected to see.<p>

"C.C.? What are _you_ doing here?" he asked, blessing her sudden appearance. _How did she get past the guards? Never mind, that's not important. __Just keep Euphie busy, gambit. My bishop is in danger, but I'm willing to sacrifice my queen to save her if necessary…_

"Came to…check if …your Geass is…out of…control…"she gasped out, breathing heavily from her exertions. It had been a while since she'd had to move so fast, but it was imperative that she warn Lelouch before something that could ruin his plans happened.

"You came all the way here to tell me that?" he asked, thinking furiously. _This exchange will probably buy me a good seventeen seconds to come up with a plan. More than enough time._

"Yeah…I thought…you should know…" C.C. panted out.

"Excuse me? C.C., is it?" Euphemia's buoyant voice cut in. "Who are you? Why are you here?" The princess was still clutching the gun, but the green-haired girl was too busy recuperating from her earlier activity to notice. She straightened a bit as she delivered her response, taking deep breaths at intervals.

"I'm a close friend of…Lelouch. Nice to…meet you. I'm here…to attend the ceremony…and to warn Lelou–"

_BANG._

There was a sudden flash of light that illuminated the room starkly, casting harsh shadows upon the walls. C.C. collapsed to the floor slowly, a bullet hole placed neatly in the center of her forehead.

Lelouch was not concerned in the slightest for C.C. – he knew the witch was immortal, so that bullet hole would be little more than an inconvenience. There was no doubt in his mind that she'd be up and about in a few hours, wondering what'd happened. As a matter of fact, from the moment C.C. had appeared in the doorway, he'd suspected that she'd end up being shot and had indeed planned for the eventuality. No, he was not worried about his contractor at all.

He was terrified, however, for Euphie. _She shot C.C., and just because she was here to attend the ceremony! She's willing to kill everyone in the stadium, just because they want to be Japanese! Think! I have to contain her! THINK!_

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Lelouch's mind went into overdrive, conjuring up possible scenarios and determining the flaws within each one. He had spent his time simultaneously pulling up eleven different plans in his head to deal with the situation and had found errors in each one of them, narrowing the field until he was left with only one. He calculated probabilities and rigorously refined his plan, until he was confident that it would work.

Euphie was still staring at the prone body of C.C., so Lelouch decided to make his move at once. Pivoting counter-clockwise exactly 75˚, he took six rapid paces to his Zero helmet, picking it up and placing it snugly over his head. He entered into communications with his waiting squads immediately and ordered them to hold their positions under all circumstances. While he was rapping out individual commands to each squad and assigned contingency parameters, he used the next 2.7 seconds to sprint to his next objective: the door.

As he moved, he considered each and every word carefully. He was literally reasoning with the reasonless here, so his logic would have to be absolutely impervious. As he drew nearer to his sister, he prayed that his scheme would work.

The Princess had just finished staring at C.C. and, certain that she was dead, was stepping over her body to get to the door. Before she could get there, however, she was blocked by a rapidly moving body that slammed the door shut and stood in her way.

Lelouch, or, rather, Zero, stood in her path. "**Wait, Princess Euphemia!**"

"Lelouch, I don't want to hurt you, but you're obstructing me. I must kill the Japanese, so…" She raised her gun and leveled it at Zero's helmet. "Get out of my way."

Zero raised a hand grandiosely, not intimidated in the slightest by the pistol pointed at his face. He stated imperiously, "**You are rather grievously mistaken, Princess Euphemia. My name is not Lelouch, rather, I am Zero, leader of the rebellion, and the one man in Jap– I mean, Area Eleven who can help you achieve your goals**."

Euphie looked at him, confused. "Huh?"

Lelouch nodded and continued his somewhat insane speech: "**That's right, Princess! I, Zero of the Rebellion, am both capable and willing, indeed, **_**more**_** than willing, to make sure that no one who calls themselves Japanese is left alive!**"

Euphemia lowered the gun, eyes wide. "Really? You can do that?"

Zero leaned in conspiratorially and stage-whispered, "**Yes, indeed I can! However, I will require some assistance from you. Listen carefully, and, whatever you do, don't stray from my orders. Follow my commands, and I can guarantee you this: no one who calls themselves Japanese will remain breathing in this land!**"

There was a pause as the Geassed girl considered the proposition. Lelouch was not a praying man, but this seemed as good a time as any to open communication lines with a deity. Better safe than sorry, at any rate. _Come on, Euphie. Take the bloodless way. I know the real Euphie's in there, and I _know_ that she doesn't want anyone to die. Just take my offer._

_Trust me, Euphie._

There was something of a conflict roiling inside of Princess Euphemia's head. On the one hand, she had been told to kill all the Japanese. _And kill means kill, so someone must die_…

But there was another voice within her mind, a voice that wriggled and struggled to be heard. The voice was weak, but continued grappling with the compulsive force heedlessly. _No! Don't kill them! Listen to Lelouch!_

The girl tapped her chin lightly with one finger, standing above the corpse of a witch and holding a smoking gun. There was a desperate figure standing before her who wished for redemption and atonement, blocking her path to the door beyond which lay the fate of the future. She made up her mind.

She giggled lightly, and nodded her head. She then proceeded to listen to Zero's very precise orders, laughing aloud at intervals as she agreed to cooperate fully with the terrorist's plan. After all, this would make her work so much cleaner and quicker!

_Besides, _the little voice within her whispered to itself, relieved, _this way, no one has to die_.

* * *

><p>The massive crowd gathered in the stadium was growing restless, with uneasy murmurings whispering through the ranks. Low mutters of 'treachery' and 'betrayal' were being passed along, and the more dissident members of the mass were beginning to rouse themselves. The media was getting impatient as well, and the Imperial Guard Knightmares were shifting in their places, wondering what the Princess and Zero were up to.<p>

Suddenly, a hush swept over the crowd as two figures appeared on stage, walking forward to the center. Necks craned and eyes strained to catch a glimpse of Zero as he walked to the center of the stage and stopped, on display before all mankind. By his side was the Princess Euphemia, who was bouncing on the balls of her feet and looked fairly giddy with joy.

Had the cameramen been focused solely upon her face, the faintest hint of red in her eyes would have been visible to an extremely discerning observer. However, today the cameras were all on Zero, the mysterious revolutionary, as he prepared to give his speech.

The crowd's unnatural silence continued as Zero stood there, a lone figure before the world. He stretched his arms out and rippled his fingers like a pianist; a player of the organ of emotions.

"**People of Area Eleven! Seven years ago, your Prime Minister, Genbu Kururugi, chose to betray the nation that had trusted him with everything by surrendering to the invaders without so much as a fight. On that day, in that August long ago, he took the coward's way out, and Japan was no more.**"

"**Ever since that day, the former military of the Japanese nation has been resisting Britannia, striving to reclaim their lost national pride. But I realize something now.**"

Zero fell silent now, and Euphemia took her cue and jumped in, just according to plan.

"The State of Japan, the Land of the Rising Sun, formally known as _Nippon-Koku_, is dead. It ceased to exist when they agreed to be annexed by the Britannian Invasion Force, and it shall never be reincarnated."

Euphemia paused here, and Zero jumped in to fill the gap. The crowd was deathly still as he continued:

"**That is why, my friends, I have decided that I will not assist the efforts to create a special zone for the people of Japan.**"

Stunned Silence swept across the stadium, no, across the nation. The Silence coated homes and apartments all over Japan and covered all observers who were sitting numbly, completely dumbstruck by Zero's (_Zero! The biggest revolutionary ever!_) refusal to help remake Japan. At the end, the Silence was feeling quite exhausted, but strove on.

In a filming studio somewhere, Diethard Reid was staring dumbly at the television screen before him. _What?_

Outside the stadium itself, Kallen, Tohdoh and Ohgi were sitting passively at their Knightmare Frame controls, completely immobile. While their squad members gossiped eagerly of conspiracy and intrigue, these three remained silent, calmly awaiting their leader's next words.

With the entire planet hanging onto his lips, Lelouch smiled beneath his mask before continuing:

"**The old Japan was corrupt! Grown bloated and decadent, it collapsed as its own vitiated structure was faced with a power that it could not withstand. Confronted by Britannia, the hollow artifice that was Japan crumbled to nothing, taking the Japanese with it.**"

The spectators to this global pageant were silent, taking in his words. Confusion was the most popular emotion.

Zero silenced the questioning masses with another grand sweep of his arms, flinging his cape wide before the world. "**And that is why…I will not rebuild Japan!**"

A Quiet fell upon the entire world until the Quiet got tired, never having had to deal with so many people simultaneously, and handed the job over to a Lull – for experience, of course. The Lull took one look at all the people, squeaked inaudibly and subtly pawned the job off to long-suffering Silence, which sighed before laying over the planet once more.

It was relieved beyond belief when quiet murmurs began to break out, rising and clashing until a full-fledged hubbub ensued. Eventually, one of the bolder members of the crowd stood up and shouted:

"But aren't you the revolutionary? Isn't it your life goal to free the Japanese? Why won't you help us?" His comrades murmured, casting dark and suspicious looks at the figure on the stage.

Lelouch remained unperturbed. _True, I am a revolutionary, but my life goal is simply to eradicate Britannia – a job that will be made much easier by this plan._ He took a step back, bringing Euphemia to the forefront. The Geassed girl spoke, and said:

"Zero has agreed to help re-instate Area Eleven as an international power, but he had two conditions before he agreed to assist me with my plan. These conditions are to be enforced by Britannia, by authority of the power vested in myself as Sub-Viceroy of Area Eleven." Lelouch took over once more, drawing all attention to himself.

"**The first condition: the name of the new country founded here today will not be Japan, but rather the United States of Japan.**"

Here the Lull stepped in, filling in for the exhausted Silence.

It was broken again by low murmurs among the crowd, neighbors whispering to each other, _That's it? That's all he wanted?_ There were very few in the crowd who had any problems with this, but many heads were scratched as people wondered, _what kind of a condition is that?_ Their baffled and bemused thoughts were silenced, however, by the next words from the podium.

* * *

><p>Princess Cornelia frowned from her chair, resting her chin on the hilt of her sword. Whatever Euphemia may have accomplished in the past, she simply didn't have the right to cut deals with known terrorists. She called on Guilford, telling him to order his men to prepare to subdue the masked man and contain the situation.<p>

She had no idea what the intent of the first condition outlined by Zero was – really, who cared what the name of the new nation was going to be? And such a pathetic distinction, too. Nonetheless, she was confident that his second request would be something outrageous. Once he made it, he'd be taken in on charges of treason and inciting of revolution.

_Maybe he'll demand his own private army. Or, better yet, he'll order each civilian to carry arms and be prepared to join the militia at any time needed. He could also ask for control of the country's vital resources: probably wants some Sakuradite mines for his Black Knights. Well, we can't have any of that…_"Guilford, are the guards ready?"

"Yes, Princess Cornelia. They have been informed of the situation and await only your command to capture Zero."

Cornelia paused a moment, before reconsidering. "Actually, Guilford, just tell the knights to arrest him when he's finished talking. Try to do it quickly, and for God's sake don't let his Black Knights cause a massacre. Especially that Guren Mk II. If that shows up, things could get messy very quickly."

Guilford nodded his understanding as he contacted the pilots. A few minutes later, he reported back to his Princess. "They have been apprised of the new developments, Princess, and are prepared to take him into custody the moment he finishes talking."

She smirked. _Excellent_. "Remember, I want him alive. If he gets killed, who knows how long it could take to stamp out the riots…"

She relaxed as she took a large mouthful of the glass. It was a hot day, and she was thirsty. The fluid ran down her throat as she continued debating what his request would be.

Her musings were interrupted by the live feed of the stadium. The silence (which had seemed somewhat…tired) was lifting, and the man on the stage was rattling off his second proviso. She turned her attention to him, mildly curious as to what he was going to say.

"–**econd request is a matter of mere semantics, nothing important, really. I only ask that, as the new face of the future, we find it within ourselves to cast off the sullied trappings of our ancestral nation, and embrace with joy a new moniker! Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, we burn our old, decrepit selves and seize the new body that approaches us. And it is to that end that the only other condition I have is this: I…**"

The world waited with bated breath. Cornelia, bored, lifted a glass of water to her mouth as she watched the event through half-lidded eyes. _What'll it be, mystery man? Power over the military? Control over the mines? Well, it doesn't matter. Once your done talking, you're mine. _

"**I propose to…**"

All around the globe, Britannians and Elevens alike crowded around their televisions, like puppets being pulled by Zero's strings.

"**I propose to label the nationals of the new-founded country Japanians, rather than Japanese.**"

_._

_._

_._

_Huh?_ Stunned silence followed this statement, noiselessness resonating in waves off of television sets around the globe.

Actually, Silence had gone on indefinite break due to work-related stress, so it was more of a Stillness than anything else. The Stillness was accompanied by dazed blinking, unconscious head-scratching, and confused-look exchanging.

_Has he gone mad?_ That was the only explanation that seemed to fit the facts, but nobody liked to consider the possibility that their glorious leader was clinically insane.

The Stillness broke, and people stopped acting and began reacting.

On the other side of the ocean, for the first time in several dozen years, Charles Vi Britannia, 98th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, was completely dumbstruck.

Princess Cornelia spat out the gulp of water in her mouth, drenching her dedicated assistant's face. Cornelia perfunctorily handed him a kerchief from her pocket, but neither of them seemed to pay it any mind (although Guilford would forever deny keeping the handkerchief she gave him in his wallet…for safekeeping, naturally). They sat there for a second longer, staring at each other like idiots.

Guilford wiped his face with the handkerchief absent-mindedly, wondering what on earth was happening to the world. The poignant silence stretched interminably, and was only broken by a beeping from the command console. Guilford mechanically walked over and checked the communication. He turned his recently-dried face to his Princess, who was still frozen in the same position.

"It's Euphemia's bodyguards…they are requesting clarification regarding the orders. One of them asked, and I quote, _We're supposed to arrest the guy who said THAT?_ Do I tell them to continue as per the plan?"

Cornelia shook herself out of her daze and looked at him for a second, before snapping to attention. "What? No, of course not! Rescind all orders concerning the abduction of Zero, and tell them to stand by until further notice!" Guilford relayed the new mission data while Cornelia rubbed her head. _What in the name of all that is holy is going on? Is this a joke?_ _Where are the hidden cameras?_

Even Kallen and the other officers were taken off guard. The chatter between the Black Knights rose furiously, with Tamaki spouting one ludicrous theory after the other. Only the previous orders of Zero himself kept the revolutionaries in rank. _Don't break formation until I contact you_, he'd said, and they planned to do just that. _Even if it does look like he's lost his marbles as last…_

Ignoring the rampant confusion among his friends, subordinates and relations that his statement had caused, Lelouch continued talking blithely.

"**Yes, the name. I repeat: my second term is that there be nobody left calling themselves Japanese; rather, we shall all be re-born together into the new nation as Japanians.**"

The crowd in the stadium looked at each other dubiously, questioning the advisability of having such an obviously unstable man as one of their leaders. Nobody had any real issues with changing the name – after all, the first condition had given their country a new title, so they couldn't really complain. Still, after all that hype…

One man in the back called out, speaking for the entire crowd. "Is that _it_? That's _all_ you wanted?" Several voices joined him, clamoring for an explanation.

Lelouch spread his arms wide again. "**Indeed, that is all. And why not? Shed the putrescent remnants of the archaic government that once plagued you, and integrate fully with the country that is to come! Why cling to the trappings of a failed nation that betrayed the trust its own people had put in it?**"

He pointed his finger out into the crowd, singling out every one of his audience members. "**I ask but little of you as a people, and I give you my support in return. Do you wish for my assistance? Or shall I turn my hand **_**against**_** you?**"

The implicit threat laced within the words silenced the crowds as they pondered briefly.

Then, slowly, an old man in the very front row stood up, leaning heavily on his walking stick. His head was balding, and he was dressed neatly in grey slacks and trousers. On his left sat a graying woman, and on his right there was a young man and woman holding an infant. Looking Zero in the eye, he spoke, his quavering voice carrying over the silent heads.

"One morning, seven years ago, my eldest son was drafted into the Japanese army. I remember the day he left to fight against the Britannian forces."

"It was a sad day. He rushed home to grab a few personal items before heading to the front. My youngest son was still at his high school; he had no idea what was going on. I stood in the doorway and watched as he ran about. My wife was inconsolable, tears running down her cheeks. She kept asking him, _Why, son? Why must you go to war?_ He just said that it was his duty to fight, that it was the only way he could honor his country."

The old man broke into a coughing fit, frail body wracked with muscle spasms. His wife held his elbow until he calmed down and continued:

"He– He was so dedicated to his country…to _Japan_. He loved it more than anything else, and seeing the nation die took something away from my heart, for I had loved my country too. I still love Japan." He paused a moment, tears streaming down his cheeks as emotion infused his words.

"And yet…Japan was defeated. No, Japan _surrendered_. My son's death was made meaningless by the shameful actions of the country's leader and the despicable ease with which we were given up. My son had fought for a Japan that never existed and that was unworthy of his life. The old Japan was weak."

"And now, young man, you have given us the opportunity to build the Japan that my son _deserved_ to die for, that _deserved_ to be honored, that _deserved _his sacrifice. We have been disappointed before, but you offer us the ability to build our beloved homeland back up in the image of what it should have been. You give us a second chance to make our nation what it should have been."

The aged man, shriveled and decrepit, wracked with illness and infirmity, stood erect on his wrinkled feet. His walking stick clattered to the ground as his family stood with him.

"We grasp your chance gratefully, in the hopes of creating a nation worthy of the devotion of the dead."

There was silence throughout the entire stadium. Families and friends looked between each other, communing silently through their eyes. Slowly, a group of three who were sitting in the left of the stadium rose up. "As do we."

Another family stood up. Then another, then another, till the entire stadium was on its feet, proclaiming loyalty to the new Japan. Everyone, be they man, woman or child, was congregating and swearing to rebuild a Japan far better than the old one. Zero grinned. _And, more importantly, agreeing to call themselves Japanians…just like I'd planned._

He gestured to Euphemia, signaling the beginning of the last segment of this pasquinade. She stepped forward and announced to the standing masses, "As Sub-Viceroy of Area Eleven, I, Princess Euphemia do hereby proclaim, with the full understanding and support of Viceroy Cornelia, the foundation of the United States of Japan, to be inhabited by Japanians alone!"

As though a trigger had been flipped, the celebrations began. Raucous cheers erupted around the enclosure, with people hugging and dancing and singing and laughing. Makeshift confetti poured from the higher stands, and the Black Knight forces discreetly melted away into the background as ordered, feeling distinctly optimistic. It was a glorious event, one that would go down in history as the founding day of the USJ, land of the Japanians.

Lelouch surveyed the joyous throng before him impassively, exulting wildly on the inside. His brain turned somersaults as he indulged in a moment of exuberant relief, before shouting, "**Yes…YES! Japan is extinct! The Japanese are no more, and we, the Japanians, will rebuild the nation in the image we desire!**"

A final cry of victory, hurled at the heavens above. "**The Japanese are all dead!**"

* * *

><p>As the celebrations began in earnest, Lelouch quickly drew Euphie off of the stage and into a private room for a quick chat. She was unresisting and seemed to have fallen into a daze following her final speech. Stepping over C.C.'s body (which was still on the floor, although the bullet hole had shrunk), he swung the door shut. Checking to make sure that no one was around, he pulled his helmet off quickly and gripped her head with both hands. He peered into his sister's eyes checking for the red rim of Geass.<p>

It was gone. He allowed himself to breathe easy. _Maybe _now_ I can rest on my laurels. Heaven knows I've earned them._ His private pleas were interrupted by a quiet voice from the sister who was standing before him.

"I'm sorry, Lelouch…"

Those few words sounded a death knell as loud of the trump of doom within Lelouch's soul. All that effort and motivation was for nothing, after all. Euphemia was unmoved by the events, and still wanted to kill the Japanese. He hung his head in despair as he railed and raved in his head.

_Oh God, why me? What else could go wrong on this, the most cockamamie of all debacles?_ Standing in that room where he had come so close to cheating fate, the boy felt like weeping uncontrollably. Euphie went on:

"…but there's no way you could force people to do what you tell them to. Don't be offended, I know you're smarter than me. You don't have to be my subordinate, after all. But…still, I don't think you could ever get me to shoot you. What kind of plan would that have been, anyway? It would have ruined the Special Administrative Zone that I'm so close to setting up."

Lelouch could only stare at the Princess, who returned his gaze evenly. His mind was still reeling from the twists and turns of the day, but he could feel a symphony of celebration swelling deep within his soul. After about a minute passing with neither of them blinking, Euphemia felt obliged to say something.

"Umm, Lelouch? Are you…feeling oka-eeek!" Her well-meaning inquiry was cut short as Lelouch pounced on her, twirling the Princess around like a madman before collapsing into a chair, letting it all out. _Of course! She doesn't remember!_

The laughter bubbled up from somewhere deep within himself, laughter founded on selfish relief and juvenile sentiments: but laughter that signaled a change in the world. Letting it come to the surface, he lay limply in the chair as he gave in to his overpowering joy. _Goodbye revolution, goodbye Zero, goodbye Requiem!_

Eventually, the peals lowered to chuckles, which boiled down to the occasional snigger. Lelouch kept his hand plastered to his forehead and persisted in giving off relieved sighs every once in a while. Euphemia was starting to get worried.

Suddenly, Lelouch realized something. Quickly, he whipped out his cell phone and began scanning the most popular news sites he could find. _Come on, something _has_ to be up, this was literally the speech of the decade!_ He typed in keywords rapidly, ignoring the befuddled girl standing before him.

"Err, Lelouch…or Zero…you know that they're all waiting for us outside, right? We left the entire stadium waiting for our return, so could the laughter wait for another ti– Oh my goodness, is that girl…dead?" Lelouch turned his head at the sudden rustle of fabric and saw the Princess kneeling over the prone body of C.C. looking quite shocked. She rounded on the boy.

"Lelouch! How did this girl get here? Who shot her? How long has she been here?" Questions sprang from her lips, but Lelouch simply took her by the arm, swung the door open, and walked back out onto the stage to redoubled applause and cheering.

Euphemia took in the grand vista with an expression akin to shock. "Lelouch, what ha–"

"**Not Lelouch, dear Princess. I am Zero, and this,**" he said with his helmet back on as he gestured to the panorama of people surrounding the pair, "**Is your handiwork**."

"_I_ did this? But how…" Euphie's voice trailed off as she heard what the crowds were chanting wildly. There were groups stolidly chanting _ZE-RO! ZE-RO! ZE-RO! ZE-RO!_ The vast majority, however, were chanting something very different.

_EU-PHI-MI-A! EU-PHI-MI-A! EU-PHI-MI-A! EU-PHI-MI-A!_

Banners proclaiming "Long live Sub-Viceroy Euphemia!" were held aloft by willing hands, and thousands of tongues called blessings and praise upon the slight figure standing at the center of the maelstrom of attention.

"When did this happen? I don't remember doing…well, anything that might have prompted _this_," she asked Zero, baffled. As far as she was aware, it'd been only a few minutes since Zero had revealed himself to be Lelouch. Then there was that confusing conversation, then…_then what? I can't seem to recall…_

Lelouch had already planned out what to say. "**You don't remember? Well, that's hardly a surprise – that speech really took it out of you, eh? Small wonder that your memory's having a bit of trouble.**"

"Huh? What speech? When did I give it?" Euphie was frustrated with the consistent lack of answers. However, when she thought about it, it does seem like her mind is missing a bit of memory. Almost like she'd lost some time somehow, or something. Either way, she supposed that it was plausible to assume that she may not be remembering some things.

"**You're tired. No problem, it's been a stressful day for us all, you the most. Anyway, to refresh your memory, take a look at this video.**"

He showed her the clip he'd downloaded a few minutes earlier. It was a montage of the speech that they'd both delivered in tandem, covering the important things that were said – notably, the two conditions that Zero had made. The news channels were frankly baffled by the demands, and so was Euphie. Nonetheless, they were all uniform in their reporting of the facts: Euphemia had succeeded, and a new nation had been born that day. When the video ended, Zero turned to the confused girl.

"**Thanks to your efforts, The United States of Japan are free from Britannian control, and these are all your faithful Japanians.**"

_Japanians? _Euphie turned the word over in her mind. _Japanians…_It seemed to fit, oddly enough. At any rate, for some reason it seemed a lot easier to call these people Japanians than Japanese. _If they were Japanese, I'd have had to kill them all. _

Euphie halted herself. _What?_ That didn't make sense. What difference did it make what they were called? Nothing, that's what. And what was this nonsense about killing people? _These are my people, the Japanians._

She'd just reached this conclusion when Lelouch called to her, asking her to come face the media. She dismissed the matter from her mind, resolving to just call them Japanians till the day she died. Which she did, although she could never state precisely why if pressed for an answer.

Flash bulbs went off and microphones were extended as she made her way to the press conference. "Princess Euphemia! How do you feel after successfully founding the Special Administrative Zone, henceforth known as The United States of Japan?"

She looked around at the screaming masses that formed her new nation. She looked at Lelouch standing on the stage acting like Zero. She thought for a bit. Even with some of her memories missing, there was no absolutely doubt as to how she was feeling. She spoke, unknowingly echoing Lelouch's precise thoughts at that exact moment:

"I feel fantastic."

xxXxx

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Review if you liked it. I wrote it in a rush after the first inspiration struck me, so lemme know what you think.

Also, stay tuned for the epilogue, which, believe it or not, is actually longer than this chapter! It will feature the following: Combat Rulers, an exclusive interview with Silence, C.C. and unlimited pizza, Cornelia's handkerchief, Suzaku Kururugi unlocking RAGE mode, and a _really_ messy wedding to tie it all together. Seriously, check it out when it comes up! Maybe a week or two, depends on my finals.

Some quick notes: My apologies to CinemaSins (for using the _Roll Credits_ gag) and Steins;Gate (for the 'divergence point' theory and the initial quotes). Also, the old man of the speech is not actually an OC (kind of). He's actually the first Eleven to be shot in canon, the one that triggers the whole mess (at 17:40 in Episode 22, "Bloodstained Euphemia). His family was represented accurately, but we obviously know nothing of his character – that was all me.

Is Lelouch dead at the end of L2, or isn't he? Review with your answer, my friends! Peace out.


	2. How Not To Rule An Empire

**A/N** – Lelouch and co. are 23 years. Chalk up OOC-ness to the fact that the last eight years have been different. My thanks to the two guests who reviewed, and to _**keroblade **_for their encouraging review as well. Please, continue to enjoy the story, and let me know what you think!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

**How Not to Rule An Empire**

* * *

><p><em>Eight Years Later, in 2025,<br>__The Palace of the Emperor_

Lelouch sighed as he shuffled some papers around his desk. He scratched his eye-patch idly as he calculated just how much more work he'd have to do. _More_ _demands for additional funding from Rakshata, routine military report from Kallen, petition for marriage between Empress Tianzi and some Li Xingke fellow…_it just went on and on and on. Nina took care of most of the boring work, i.e., the stuff dealing with numbers and statistics, but that still left a tidy amount of stuff that required his personal attention.

Life had fallen into a repetitive routine ever since he'd ascended the throne. Not that Lelouch was complaining, mind – there was global peace, Nunnally was safe, his siblings weren't trying to kill him, and things were looking good. Even the papers were fairly regular, being basic reiterations of the same requests over and over again.

Through the years, he'd had to reveal his former alter-ego as Zero to a few people, of course. When Kallen found out after the coronation, she'd nearly strangled him with a telephone cord for the stunt he'd pulled in the shower. It was only when he decided to offer her the post of Commander of the Britannian Peacekeeping Forces that she'd calmed down – a wise decision, as she seemed to have been made for the job.

Suzaku, of course, was informed of the matter almost immediately by Euphemia. He'd had the hardest time coping with it, finding it difficult to believe that he'd been fighting Lelouch all along with the Lancelot. He viewed it as a personal betrayal and refused to meet Lelouch again for a good deal of time. After several months, Euphemia managed to talk the two boys into meeting each other, and while they still disagreed about ideologies, they reached equilibrium. While Lelouch still espoused his "ends-justify-the-means" beliefs, he agreed not to discuss the matter in front of his friend.

Lelouch also privately informed Suzaku of the existence of the Knight's own Geass command – "Live!" While initially skeptical, the remembrance of his temporary blackout at the military facility on Shikinejima Island, as well as some practical demonstrations, soon convinced Suzaku of the reality of Lelouch's control. He took it fairly well, not having breathed a word about it to a living soul for the last six years, ever since Lelouch had ascended the throne.

The actual ascension of the throne itself had been a pretty messy affair, and was in fact the main reason Lelouch has informed Suzaku of his Geass power. It had taken some serious strategic talks with C.C. before he'd come up with a fairly simple strategy to remove his father from power.

First, he'd gone on a quiet world tour to…visit…his many siblings. Purely innocent, of course. No, there was no ulterior motive, he just wanted to chat with his brothers and sisters. Yes, that was it. Chat. (For some reason, Suzaku had some qualms with these harmless conversations, bleating on about "morals" and "ethics". Took him quite some time to cool down.)

While Lelouch was performing his _completely_ innocuous journey around the earth, Suzaku and C.C. were investigating V.V. Eventually, after baiting the pseudo-child to a Thought Elevator under the pretense of blowing said Elevator to smithereens, the duo managed to ambush him. Using the element of surprise, C.C. extracted his Code and applied it to herself, leaving V.V. mortal, and C.C.…even more immortal…apparently. The Elevator was then demolished by the Lancelot, taking V.V. with it.

Suzaku had required a lot of convincing before he was willing to kill what seemed to be a boy, but he dropped a lot of his ridiculously impractical scruples after he'd heard exactly who V.V. was and what the boy had done.

After V.V.'s death, the trio had joined up and visited another Thought Elevator (which, according to C.C., would allow Lelouch to access God…or something. C's World was mentioned, as was the collective consciousness of humanity).

There, he'd used his fully developed Geass to order whatever he was talking with to turn against Charles, wiping him off the face of the earth. There was some mention of Marianne, but Lelouch didn't pry – the less he knew about _that_ can of worms, the better for everyone involved.

The following power struggle for control over the Empire was a good deal more sedate than the preceding ones. In fact, it really wasn't so much a struggle for power, as a simple handing over of the reins to Lelouch. For some reason (unfathomable to the young man), literally every one of his brothers and sisters each made a public statement tantamount to the following: we do not wish to become ruler, and will loyally serve whoever is selected, striving to maintain the peace.

The only group who did not issue such a decree was the embassy from Japan (Euphemia and Cornelia), who did nothing whatsoever. Neither of them wished to grab the title of Empress, they simply did not see the need to voice their stance aloud like their siblings had.

Lelouch was quite relieved by the fortuitous turn of events, although Suzaku kept making noises about "unfair advantages". Lelouch simply couldn't see his point of view – after all, he'd worked from within the system and made it to the top! Wasn't that Suzaku's dream? To change the system from within? But Suzaku would not be mollified, and they still had fights about it.

Lelouch didn't mind too much. He'd become emperor, after all, and had changed the world for the better. Nunnally was safe, as were the rest of his friends and family.

* * *

><p><em>And that's how I wound up here<em>, though Lelouch, pulling himself out of his reverie. _I've got to get through these papers if I want any free time today_, he though, steeling himself for some hardcore paper reading. _Euphemia and Cornelia are having a tea party, as I recall. If I finish quickly enough, I may be able to join them for some quiet conversation._

With this goal in mind, he read intently for the next half-an-hour, completely focused on the task before him. _Request from Lloyd Asplund for the use of Tohdoh as a 'component' in the latest Knightmare, blah blah blah, Petition from Carefree Customer demanding free pizza, blah blah bl__– _Wait a minute. What was that again?

Petition #257621, submitted by one Carefree Customer: _All those who are in an advisorial role to an Emperor of Britannia are hereby empowered with the capacity to arrogate unlimited quantities of the foodstuff commonly known as "pizza" from suppliers located anywhere in the realms of Britannia. This edict is enforced by the signature of the undersigned, Lelouch vi Britannia, 99th Emperor of the Holy Empire of Britannia: Bringer of Peace, etc._

Scrawled in an untidy hand at the bottom of the page were the words _SIGN HERE_, followed by a crooked line that spanned half the page's width.

Lelouch arched one eyebrow. _Surely she doesn't think I'll actually–_

"So will you?"

"Ahh!" Lelouch jumped in his chair before glaring at the witch who had snuck up behind him. "What do you think you're doing?"

The green-haired adviser walked around his chair to the front of the desk. Perching herself on the wooden surface, she clarified, "Will you sign it?"

"Of course not, you preposterous female! What do you take me for, an imbecile? Lelouch Lamperouge, he who destroyed the world and made it anew, relegated to the buyer of pizza for a gluttonous immortal with no self-control? I think not! Why, the day that I sign this paper is the day that I–

"I'll tell Suzaku what really happened on Japanian Independence Day."

Lelouch clammed up immediately and glared at C.C., who remained unfazed. Suzaku knew that the Geass had been used on him, but Lelouch had tastefully refrained from mentioning the fact that Euphie had been Geassed in the past – to protect Suzaku from needless worry, of course. As far as everyone was concerned, the reason Princess Euphemia could hardly remember a single part of the greatest speech of her life was stress. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, C.C. knew the truth. Lelouch had had to tell her everything when she recovered from that gunshot, but she would have worked it for out herself even if he hadn't. After all, why else would meek, kind Euphemia decide to kill someone if she wasn't being forced to do so?

"That was a low blow, C.C." Lelouch gritted out as he signed on the specified line. _Guess I'm going to have to foot the bill when she binges…again. Crazy witch_.

"It's not my fault that you're so insecure about your relationships. Seriously, what's the worst that could happen if you told Suzaku the truth?" she said as she examined the signature carefully. She nodded gratefully and rolled the contract up, tucking it into her belt.

The door swung open as the man in question strode in. "Told Suzaku the truth about what? Morning Lelouch, C.C."

"Ah, Suzaku. Greetings. I need you to run this paper off to the kitchen staff immediately and warn every Pizza Hut within a twenty-mile of the need to begin preparing inordinate amounts of pizza," Lelouch rapped out, handing Suzaku the newly-passed pizza law.

"OK, boss," he said, glancing at the bill and whistling. "Another one, eh? How does she get so many by you? Nina's refused to help you with any more 'pizza laws', so you know it'll take at least three days to repeal this, right?" Suzaku slid Lelouch a canny look. "And I'm going to be not sidetracked that easily. What are you trying to hide from me, O Mighty Emperor?"

Lelouch ignored the second of Suzaku's questions, answering the first off-handedly. "I am well aware of the ramifications of passing this bill, Suzaku. I was forced into it by mitigating circumstances."

"Forced into it, you say," Suzaku said, musing. "This wouldn't have anything to do with that truth that you keep trying to sidle the conversation away from, now would it?"

An expertly faked smile appeared on the Emperor's face, along with a lightly forced laugh that would have made a seasoned actor proud. "Why, Suzaku, I do believe you're getting paranoid. Now why did you come to see me this early in the morning?"

Suzaku sobered up instantly and fixed his friend with an earnest gaze. "Ah, yes. About that, Lelouch, I've been meaning to ask you. Do you think you could love a guy like me?"

* * *

><p>Suzaku Kururugi had served honorably as the Knight of Princess Euphemia for the past eight years, never once leaving his charge's side for anything short of a military emergency. Through that time, he'd gotten increasingly closer to Euphemia, as they were frequently alone were lengthy periods of time.<p>

Shortly after the foundation of the United States of Japan, Princess Euphemia had dismantled the Britannian government structure of Area Eleven along with Princess Cornelia. Together, they removed the position of Viceroy and Sub-Viceroy from the Japanese – excuse me, Japanian – power structure, allowing the Japanians to select their own Prime Minister.

Suzaku had been the first obvious choice and had initially been willing to take up his father's mantle and redeem his family name. However, when he found out that becoming Prime Minister meant that he'd have to give up all prior connections and engagements, including that of being a Knight to one of the royal family, he had refused point-blank to touch the position, and had nothing more to do with the matter.

Lelouch was more interested at the time with becoming ruler of the world, so Zero couldn't be chosen. Why settle for Japan when the world was ripe for the taking?

Eventually, the vote had actually settled upon a dark horse – Kaname Ohgi. He was an honest man, if not the sharpest blade in the bunch, although his wife, Villetta Nu, more than made up for his deficiency in that department. He led Japan with the same steadfast determination he'd led the revolution through, forever confident of a positive outcome.

While all this deliberation regarding Suzaku was going on, the man himself was leading a quiet life, forever in the shadow of Princess Euphemia. He seemed quite content with his life, and became one of Lelouch's advisers – mainly as a favor to an old friend, but also to make sure that the world didn't stray _too_ far from proper morality.

Lelouch loved Suzaku like a brother and trusted him with his own life, but still clandestinely kept extremely close tabs on the man's relationship with his half-sister, Princess Euphemia. The man may have had the personality of a saint and the record of an angel sent from heaven, but Lelouch would be hanged if he let any man play around with Euphemia, best friends or not. His observations had proven extremely gratifying, however, with Suzaku acting as nothing less than a perfect gentleman every time he was in her presence.

His findings, however, had never indicated that his friend was raving mad.

For a good three-and-a-half seconds, there was pin-drop silence in the room. Lelouch's mouth hung slightly open, and his eyes, though looking in Suzaku's direction, were staring off into the distance.

C.C. pulled her emergency pizza box from below the sofa cushions and settled down among the plush cushions. This promised to be entertaining.

After some more silence, Lelouch decided to breach the gap, trying to let his friend (?) down gently, saying softly, "Suzaku, it could never work between us. You're a knight, I'm an emperor…it's just impossible. I'm sorry, but…no, I can't let this happen."

Suzaku looked confused, then crestfallen. "Huh? You mean…the gap's too wide? That…that's pretty harsh, Lelouch.

C.C. took another massive bite from the pizza slice, eyes never leaving the tableau playing out before her.

Lelouch nodded sagely. "Yes, well, the truth had to be spoken. Now, moving on to the matter of the pizza ordinance…?"

Suzaku kept talking as though the his friend hadn't spoken. "I mean, I know I'll never be worthy of her, but you didn't have to…"

"Worthiness? When did that come up?" _And 'her'? What's he babbling on about now?_ The Emperor watched uneasily as his friend struck a resolute pose.

"Besides, Lelouch, you're the one who was always talking about abolishing the royal family, so what better way to accomplish that than to bring a commoner into the fold through marriage? I refuse to give up!"

.

.

.

Lelouch spoke in an eerily calm tone of voice. "C.C., would you please leave us for a minute?"

The girl thought about it while grabbing another slice from her box, which was running on empty. _I suppose I do need a refill…but on the other hand, quality entertainment like this is just too hard to find nowadays. Better stall for time._

"But why? Is something the matter? I thought things were going fine," she asked with her face completely straight.

Lelouch slowly turned to face her, his one visible eye twitching noticeably. "Fine? How, exactly, is everything here _fine_?" _Suzaku is standing here confessing…something, and this witch has the gall, no, the brazen temerity, to say that things are going _fine_?_

Unfazed by his appearance, C.C. chewed the bite in her mouth, reveling in the texture of gooey cheese as it melded perfectly with the tangy tomato sauce before speaking: "Well, Suzaku had just come in to talk about whether he was a person capable of being loved, when you overreacted and thought he was confessing…something else."

She swallowed and pick up the final piece of pizza. "He then proceeded to indirectly ask for the hand in marriage of one of the royal family – again, a statement that you managed to misinterpret spectacularly, throwing an even deeper cloak of obfuscation over the conversation."

The advisor continued, "These consistent misunderstandings lead me to ask an even more pertinent question: How narcissistic can a certain Emperor be if he assumes that a close friend of his who comes to him for advice upon a matter of the heart is professing his undying love for said narcissist?" She sighed and shook her head sorrowfully. "I fear that you are on a level of self-absorption that I shall never attain, no matter how hard I strive for it."

She finished the last slice and stood up, making her way to the door. "All in all, I give this farcical dialogue an eight for originality, but a ten for heartfelt performances all around."

And with that, the witch was gone for more pizza.

* * *

><p>"She has a point with the narcissism, you know…"<p>

"Stop insulting your Emperor, you treasonous wretch!" Lelouch took a few deep breaths to calm himself, steepling his fingers in thought. _What did she mean misunderstood? I suppose I'd better clarify some things…_

"OK, start from the beginning. What did you want to ask me when you walked in?" _And if it has anything to do with a _Fiction M_ story, I'm _outta_ here. I do have a public image to maintain, you know._

Unaccountably, though, Suzaku's mouth was downturned and his face was a mask of…_shame? No, that's not it, it's something else. Let's see…guilt! He's feeling guilty about something._ And, judging by the look on the Knight's face, it was a pretty intense emotion.

"When I asked you if you could love a guy like me, I meant it as a question of worthiness, Lelouch. I mean…I've done terrible things in my past. I joined the police force and unknowingly assisted the Shinjuku Massacre, I lied to my friends about my past…" _I killed my own father because I was a coward…_

Suzaku looked at the ground. "I mean, what am I worth? Is this the sum measure of my life: Suzaku Kururugi, son of the former Prime Minister of Japan, Knight to Princess Euphemia. Guilty of aiding and abetting large-scale manslaughter, of being a liar extraordinaire, of the crime of patricide…how dare I attempt to attain happiness?"

Sobered, Lelouch realized what the original question had meant. _Of course! The 'she' he mentioned was Euphemia. He was coming to talk about the Princess, and I totally misinterpreted it. Still, it's a shame he's got such a guilt complex – that must be a barrier in most of his relationships._

Lelouch understood the turmoil that his friend was going through, and came to a conclusion in his mind. He stood up, walked around his table and stopped behind his friend.

Speaking softly, he said, "I think you're looking at someone else in the mirror, Suzaku. Because when I look at you, I don't see a father-killer, or a liar. When I see you, I see a friend to Nunnally. A protector for Euphemia. A Knight of Peace."

He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder lightly. Suzaku tensed at the contact, but made no other movements. "And a friend to your Emperor."

Suzaku took a shuddering breath before regaining his composure. "Thanks, Lelouch."

"Now, about the reason you came here in the first place…"

Suzaku laughed and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Ahh, about that…it's in regard to my personal life."

"Oh? You have one of those? With all the time you spend with Euphie, I'd have though that your personal life shriveled up and died several years ago…Well, what about it?"

Suzaku blushed at the mention of the Princess. "Errm, well, ah…I don't know if it's such a good idea now…"

"You let me be the judge of that. Come, what favor did you want?"

"…well, if you insist…I suppose…"

Suzaku was as red as a tomato and appeared to be sweating profusely. Before Lelouch had a chance to wonder what had caused such an adverse reaction in him, the man blurted out his request.

"I want your permission to marry Euphemia!"

* * *

><p>Lelouch's response was automatic and immediate, almost as though it had been rehearsed. In one smooth motion he grabbed Suzaku by the neck and pinned him against the wall with his right hand, using his left hand to pull his cell phone out of his pocket. Fluidly dialing Cornelia's number, he began talking over the unintelligible gurgling noises Suzaku was making.<p>

"Cornelia, this is Lelouch. Yes, I'm fine. No. I don't care." A pause as Cornelia chattered on.

"Actually, I'm calling to tell you that Suzaku is now OADILWOS, and to move Euphie to Zone 4 immediately."

A moment of silence, during which Suzaku had to physically stop himself from pulverizing Lelouch through sheer physical superiority. After all, Suzaku was a trained Knight on a strict fitness regime, while the Emperor avoided actual physical exertion like the plague. As Suzaku was contemplating the advisability of just knocking his friend out, Lelouch replied to his sister.

"What? Come on…how unprofessional." A pause. "Yes, I have him restrained here", to which Suzaku snorted. _Restrained? Inconvenienced, at best_. "You know…OADILWOS! Obsessively And Desperately In Love With Our Sister! We discussed this just last Tuesday! You can't have forgotten already, can you?"

Another pause. "Well, at least admit that my paranoia was justified! Come on, Cornelia, work with me and just move Euphie to the safe house…Look, if you won't do something about it, then I will!"

Suzaku had had enough. _What is it with this guy and being over-protective? He's known I've loved his sister for the past eight years! How did he not see this coming?_

Reaching out a hand, Suzaku expertly pinched a nerve cluster in Lelouch's neck, dropping the man like a stone. The Knight winced as his superior fell on top of him, grunting as he shifted the fallen Emperor to the floor. _Talk about a dead weight_.

Prying the still-active phone from Lelouch's hands, Suzaku tried talking into the microphone. "Hello? Is this the Princess Cornelia?"

A rather bored voice answered, "Yes, is this the love-struck Suzaku? Honestly, when Lelouch gets into his protective mode it's like I've been dropped into a parallel Universe…" She covered the receiver with her hand, and Suzaku heard her muffled voice talking to someone in the background. "No, Euphemia, nothing's wrong. Don't worry about it."

Suzaku heard a familiar voice in the background sounding mildly worried. "Are you sure? He sounded like Lelouch was upset about something…"

"Don't worry about it, Euphie. Why don't you go check on Schneizel while I wrap things up here?"

"Umm, OK…"

Cornelia waited a minute after her sister had gone before returning to the phone. _What did you do, Suzaku? What could possibly make Lelouch lose his composure this much? The last time he gone this crazy was when_…oh. Well, that must have been it.

_Next time, Suzaku, ease into the topic before you ask to date one of his family._ _After all, we all know what happened last time…_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** R&R, please! Remember, this is my first Geass fanfiction. Also, I know I said it would be a two-shot, but I'm going to have to make it a three-shot. Sorry, but the idea of an epilogue that was actually _longer_ than the original just didn't sit well with me for some reason, so I broke it into two. I had absolutely no idea how to get rid of V.V. and Charles, so I just came up with a haphazard scheme that would never have worked. Still, getting rid of them made the story so much nicer, neh?

And to further please our whimsy, expect the final part soon – a week, tops; barring interference from the Organization. Okabe Rintarou (or, to those in the know, Hououin Kyouma) is away! _Tutturu! La Yohda Stasella! El…Psy…Congroo!_

xxXxx


	3. A Wedding To Forget

**A/N**: Final chapter! Hope you all had a great Christmas! This chapter has (what, in my book, constitutes as) FLUFF. Normally, reading/watching romance makes me gag (allergies…long story), but Euphemia and Suzaku deserve it, so I've given it to them, however reluctantly.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own, nor have I ever given any indication that I, in any way, shape or form, own _Code Geass_. I don't really know who it officially belongs to (Sunrise and Clamp, I guess), but it certainly, certifiably, and ascertainably does not belong to me, a humble college student just trying to get a few laughs. Also, I have inserted elements (see if you can find them all!) inspired from _Naruto, God's Not Dead, Code MENT, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox, Rurouni Kenshin,_ _Phineas and Ferb_ and _Steins;Gate_: none of which I own.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

**A Wedding to Forget**

* * *

><p>Cornelia remembered pretty well the last time Lelouch had blown a fuse this egregiously. It had been just under…what was it…six years ago? That's right – it had happened after everything had settled down so peacefully. The newly announced Emperor Lelouch was visiting Cornelia to discuss a new edict that had seemed superficial at the time when it took place…<p>

"_You want to _what_?" she'd asked, baffled._

_He puffed himself up and announced, "That's __**right**__ – I, __**Lelouch **vi **Britannia****,**__ as __**the**__ 99__th __**Emperor**__ of __**the**__ Britannian __**Empire**__, hereby __**make**__ it __**a**__ seditious __**act**__ to __**refer**__ to __**the**__ area __**known**__ as '__**The**__ United __**States**__ of __**Japan**__' as '__**Japan**__'. Furthermore, __**it**__ is __**also**__ to __**be**__ a __**crime**__ against __**the**__ state __**to**__ refer __**to**__ the __**inhabitants**__ as '__**Japanese**__', rather __**than**__ the __**proper**__ term – '__**Japanian**__'."_

_She was hit with an almost overpowering sense of déjà vu. Where had she heard a similarly ridiculous command before?_

_She frowned suddenly, then shook her head. _No way_, she though, filing away her suspicions for a later time. Something struck her though – something that seemed oddly suggestive…_

"_What is your voice doing? And why are you acting so flamboyantly? It's kind of like that terrorist Zero: which reminds me, we haven't found any leads on him, even after all this time. I mean, after all the fantastic stunts he pulls and people he kills, he just goes silent. It's like he's vanished…" She kept her eyes fixed on his face as he revealed this._

_To his credit, Lelouch had only blanched a tiny bit at her earlier comment and had immediately sunk into a chair, acting very composedly. When he spoke next, it was with a good deal less panache. "About the bill, I expect to see it passed by next week."_

_Wiping his suddenly sweating brow with a hand, the man continued, "And, Cornelia? I advise you to forget about Zero completely. You'll never catch him – I can personally guarantee that._

A-ha.

_And the peacock had scurried out of the room, making a personal note to watch his manner of speaking. He bumped into Guilford as he exited._

"_Oh, Guilford, do you have a tissue or something? I seem to be perspiring heavily for some reason."_

_Guilford shook his head regretfully, turning out his pockets and unsuspectingly pulling out his wallet to prove his veracity. He rifled through it, showing the contents to Lelouch, who had pointed out that there was actually a handkerchief his wallet._

Cornelia sighed as she remembered what had happened next. Guilford had blushed furiously, and Lelouch had taken the opportunity to snatch the kerchief from his subordinate's wallet. Overriding the man's protests, Lelouch had unfolded the piece of fabric, mildly intrigued by the distinctly feminine look of it. It was when the Emperor had noticed the neatly monogrammed "**C L B**" in one of the corners that everything, to put it succinctly, went to hell.

_Lelouch froze completely, simply staring at the initials for several minutes before coming out of it. He turned slowly and fixed Guilford with a look that should have, by rights, barbecued him like a stuck pig. It was only the presence of Cornelia that prevented any actual physical violence, but everyone in the room could feel the killing intent radiating in waves off of the slight figure holding the damning handkerchief._

_The guards were called in to arrest the man then and there, imprisoning him until his trial. Lelouch refused to listen to reason, calling one of the largest courts in his nation to order as quickly as possible._

_In the courtroom, the Emperor of Britannia demanded a dishonorable military discharge for the decorated general, claiming that he'd "shown professional indecorum" by becoming "obsessively attached to his charge". Guilford had sworn left and right that the Princess had given him the tissue for "safekeeping", and that he was merely "fulfilling his duty as an aide-de-camp and soldier by carrying out her orders."_

_The jury was muttering among itself, and the irritated judge was on the verge of throwing the case out when the Emperor yelled, on live national television, to "stay away from his sister", before pulling a ceramic handgun from his boot and firing wildly in Guilford's direction._

_Needless to say, the TV networks were ecstatic._

_The affair quickly descended from a shouting match to a full-on rumble which raged up and down the expansive room for a solid half-hour. The television cameras caught every detail of the battle, which involved several flung wigs and a variety of improvised weapons. When Lelouch's ammunition ran out, he created some very innovative replacement tools, including a pen-dagger, several credit-card-shurikens and a lash made of several tied together. TV ratings went through the roof during this time, and viewers all over the world were fixed to their television sets._

_Guilford wasn't one to take an attack lying down, and he began retaliating soon enough. His counterattack was assisted by several hurled chairs and a hastily constructed mini-fortress composed of benches. Lelouch attempted to storm the breach with a sudden rush, but was nobly repelled by a furious barrage of water bottles, staplers, and heavy legal textbooks. Driven back with heavy losses, the Emperor plotted his next move while pulling the drapes down from the windows._

_The guards on duty were unsure of which side to assist, and a couple even considered picking up some seat cushions and wading into combat themselves._

_Driven out of his base at last by an expertly wielded curtain rod in the hands of the Emperor, Guilford managed to block Lelouch's crashing blows with a wooden ruler that he'd snatched up. The final defense lasted a solid twelve minutes, with Lelouch handing out thundering blows with his ten-foot metal pole that were barely being blocked by Guilford's pitiful 'dagger', which was already beginning to splinter._

_The guards had broken up into cheering factions, and the judges had several large bets placed upon the outcome. Around the world, children laughed and danced as they gleefully emulated their ruler, while their parents remained glued to the television._

_Eventually, Princess Cornelia had decided that enough was enough, following which she stepped in quickly and broke the Emperor's jaw with a single blow. She then turned and glared at Guilford, who had wisely dropped to one knee in submission._

_The subsequent aftermath of the incident involved several embarrassing visits to a psychiatrist, a massive franchise of "Combat Rulers" that rapidly became immensely popular among the younger generation, a hit spin-off shojo anime called "The Prince by Knight" that ran for six seasons, numerous admiring comments from leading martial arts specialists, and a _very_ uncomfortable group talk with Princess Cornelia._

And that was the last time Lelouch had gone out of control.

* * *

><p>"Ughhhh…" the waking Emperor moaned as he woke up. <em>Nerve pinch? How crass. I'd expected more from Suzaku…Suzaku! I have to stop him!<em>

He made a move to get up, but found his legs being held down by something. He tried to raise his arms, but found that they too were pinned. He glanced down, and saw that he had been tied to his office chair by…_telephone cable? He tied me up?_

"Oh good, you're awake at last. I was beginning to think I'd pinched the wrong area," Suzaku said from the chair he was lounging in on the other side of the room.

Lelouch spared one second for a furious glare before launching into his tirade. "Suzaku? What are you doing? This is sedition of the highest degree! This is outright treason!" the irate Emperor hollered, causing his friend to wince.

"Keep it down, would you? I don't want Sayako to come in and find us like this: she'd gut me like a fish!" the worried Knight hissed.

"At the moment, that eventuality sounds deliciously appealing! Sayako! Come here at once! Your Emperor has need of you!" Silence followed this rather desperate cry.

"She won't come, you know. She requested permission to go to an orchard with Jeremiah Gottwald, remember? You signed the form this morning," said C.C. from her viewing point on the couch. A fresh box of pizza lay before her, steaming slightly.

"C.C.! My loyal contractor! Thanks the heavens you're here! Quickly, call the guards and order them to arrest this interloper before his dastardly plans can come to fruition! Hurry!"

The silence that followed this comment was an old friend of ours that was frankly getting tired of having to deal with these clowns. It was broken by C.C. taking a large and messy bite out of her pizza, trailing strings of cheese from her lips as she noisily chomped her meal down.

"C.C.! You would side with this reprobate and turn your back upon the oldest of your friends?"

"Technically, Suzaku met me at pretty much the same time that you did, so he's also the oldest of my friends. His first impression was so much nobler than yours was, by the way," the witch mentioned, leaning back into the plush sofa. "Besides, this is so much more entertaining than the last conversation."

Lelouch was flabbergasted. "You treasonous dogs! I'll get you both, just you watch!" And with that, he began struggling violently against his bonds, straining and twisting as he tried to free himself.

Unconcerned by the behavior of his Emperor, Suzaku rested his chin on his hands. "You're always so protective of your family…it's kind of creepy. I understand that you wish to defend your precious people, but this obsession is disturbing. Why don't you give it up? They're all grown-ups now. How do you plan to keep them isolated from everything?"

The Emperor had been growing steadily more agitated throughout Suzaku's little speech, intensifying his struggles. "Give it up? Don't be ridiculous!"

Contorting and twisting his limbs violently, he managed to slip one arm out of its bonds. Tearing his eye-patch off, he fixed Suzaku and C.C. with his antithetic glare.

The perpetually crimson eye glimmered malevolently as Lelouch stared down his two (former) friends. "And I plan to protect them forever with _this_!"

Suzaku shivered slightly as he looked at the rictus of anger that was Lelouch's face. While he had been informed long ago of his own Geass-command, he couldn't help but be glad that he couldn't be affected any more. _Imagine what he'd make me do if he could pull me into his spell…_

At that exact moment the door creaked open slowly. "Lelouch? Sayako wasn't here, so I let myself in. Are you OK? You sounded worried over the phone, but Cornelia wouldn't say why."

Suzaku breathed a huge sigh of relief. _Good, it's only Euphie._ Suddenly, he stiffened. _Lelouch isn't wearing his eye-patch! If she make eye contact and he accidentally orders her to do something…_

Before Suzaku could make a move, though, it was too late. Lelouch, still in a state of fury, twisted his neck and impaled Euphemia with a look.

"We're busy, Euphemia. Go away and leave us alone!"

* * *

><p>Suzaku's heart stopped as he heard the command. There was no doubt in his mind that Euphie would follow the order as precisely as she could. <em>She'll go away and leave us alone…forever!<em>

Suzaku thought about it for a bare millisecond. _Unacceptable_.

Euphemia stood frozen for a moment more, than looked downcast. "Oh…OK. I'll go. I was just wondering if I could help you, so I'll leave now…"

As she turned to go, though, she heard the sound of rushing air followed by a thump nearby, as though something heavy had fallen to the ground in a hurry. More importantly, though, she found her exit impeded by something. There appeared to be a catch of some sort on the floor that had snagged her clothes, keeping her from moving. As she turned to investigate, however, she saw what was really holding her back.

Suzaku Kururugi, Knight to Princess Euphemia and pilot of the Lancelot, was lying face-down before her, clutching the hem of her skirt as though for dear life.

His face was flushed a brilliant shad of scarlet – more like a merlot, in fact, as he began spouting off platitudes at a furious rate, babbling. "Please, Princess! You can't go, not now! Please, I beg you, hear the cry of your loyal servant and stay here!"

She looked down, innocently uncomprehending, as he continued his string of pleas frantically, begging, "I implore you to reconsider! Just decline to acquiesce with his request! Refuse to obey the voice in your head, please! I'm falling before you, Euphemia, asking you just this one thing – please, _please_ don't leave!"

C.C. curled her legs under herself as she continued watching the events unfold. _Lelouch has got a lot of explaining to do when this winds down. _She paused, contemplating the pizza before her, before deciding. _Yup, it's definitely a ten._

Lelouch, on the other hand, was befuddled by the recent turn of events. _What on earth is that idiot doing? Why is he asking her easily misunderstood and deliberately vague things like that? And why does he sound so insistent and…desperate? It isn't like I ordered Euphie never to come back here again…oh._

His eyes widened as he realized. _My eye-patch is off, and I told her to go away. Suzaku doesn't know about the whole fiasco eight years ago, and so doesn't know that Euphie's technically immune to my Geass. That means…_

_Suzaku thinks she's been Geassed!_ He groaned internally. He thought of what he'd have to do. He'd want to know everything. Everything. From commands gone wrong, to changing the name of a country's people. Complete honesty…

Lelouch Lamperouge shuddered.

Crimson-faced, the prostrate Knight continued begging, pleading with the supposedly Geassed Princess who was merely looking at him confusedly.

"You can't leave us…leave me! It would kill me. You wouldn't want to kill me, would you? So stay here, by my side! In fact, I want you to stay by my side forev–"

His solicitous and soulful speech was cut short by Euphemia herself, who asked in a baffled voice, "Suzaku, what's wrong with Lelouch's eye? Is that why he always wears that eye-patch? And why are you kneeling before me?"

* * *

><p>Suzaku froze, stopping mid-sentence. Slowly, he looked up the Princess, who merely looked back down at him. Her eyes were perfectly normal, and she didn't seem to be under any sort of compulsion to leave the room as per Lelouch's hasty orders. <em>She's not Geassed? But that's impossible. The only way that a direct Geass command would have no effect on her would be if she'd already been Geassed. But that would mean that Lelouch…<em>

Scrambling to his feet, Suzaku fixed the Emperor with a glare as he mollified Eupihe. "It's…it's nothing. Forget about it."

She thought for a moment, then nodded. "Alright then, if nothing's wrong I'll be on my way." And with that, she turned and left the room sedately, her comportment unchanged.

Suzaku stuck his head out of the door as he called to her, "Wait there for a moment, Princess. I shall soon accompany you on your return to Cornelia's palace," he said. That said, he withdrew back into the Emperor's room and shut the door before turning around. The look he was sending Lelouch said "_WELL?"_ as clearly as if it were written on his face.

The guilt-stricken Lelouch felt the wrath stored in him drain away, to be replaced with an overpowering feeling of dread.

Suzaku tapped his foot on the ornate carpet impatiently. "Oh Great and Glorious Emperor of the Mighty Nation of Britannia…am I going to get some answers?" Lelouch continued opening and closing his mouth like a fish, considering how best to break it to his friend that Euphemia had almost been turned into a mass murderer by him, Lelouch.

C.C. spoke up unexpectedly from her viewing position, saving the tied Emperor's hide. "Don't worry about it, Suzaku."

The irate Suzaku turned to her. "Don't worry about it! But he…you know…he used…_that_… on Euphemia. And he didn't even bother to tell me, her faithful Knight, about it!"

C.C. shook her head as she took another bite of pizza. "Don't worry about it. It was a mistake, and nothing _too_ bad happened." _Although I wonder what the world would be like right now if he hadn't been able to stop her. Maybe Suzaku would have gone to the Dark Side? _C.C. thought about that for a second before dismissing the idea out of hand. _How preposterous._

Suzaku thought a bit more. His eyes lit up as he realized something, then they narrowed. He growled, "This wouldn't happen to have something to do with the fact that the Princess cannot remember anything that happened on Japanian Independence Day, would it now?"

The studiously blank face on his friend's face told him everything he needed to know. He continued, saying, "I suppose this would also somehow explain the last-minute decision to rename the country and its inhabitants?"

C.C. repeated herself again, saying, "Don't worry about it."

Suzaku stared at the pizza-eating girl for a few moments while she returned his gaze serenely. He sighed, then rubbed his forehead furiously.

"Fine…but in return I ask for one thing. Lelouch!"

The captive man's head shot up as he heard his name being called. His mind raced, already dreading what his friend was going to ask for. _What does the lunatic want after all this? A pay raise?_

"In regards to the first topic we discussed today, I would like to have an answer. Yes or no?"

Lelouch immediately knew what Suzaku was talking about. His first reaction was to holler for the guards once more, but something stopped him. He became very aware of his surroundings: the wires holding him in place, Suzaku standing resolutely at the door, Euphemia waiting outside patiently, and, above all, C.C. watching quietly from her corner. His mind whirred as he thought intently before coming to a decision.

He nodded once.

That was enough for Suzaku, who proceeded to usher Euphie out summarily. Lelouch could hear the duo chatting as they proceeded down the hallway:

"What was all that about?"

"It was nothing, Princess. Put it out of your mind."

"Oh…that's fine. By the way, what were you saying?"

"About what?"

"About you wanting me to stay by your side forever?"

"Ahh, that. Well, Princess, do you want to take a walk in the park? I know a beautiful place where the cherry trees are all blooming."

"Umm…OK? What does that have to do with this?"

"All will be made clear shortly, Euphemia. For you see, I have just received official permission to ask you a very important question there…"

Their voices trailed off as they went outside into the brilliant sunlight, leaving an upset Emperor stewing in his bonds.

"C.C.! Untie me at once!"

"Mmm. _(*chomp*)_ This is interesting too."

"_C.C!_"

* * *

><p><em><strong>The New Japanian Bugle: Bringing the News to You.<strong>_** September 18****th****, 2025 – Special Wedding Edition**

Cover Page: "The Marriage Of Princess Euphemia To Her Knight, Suzaku Kururagi"

_There is absolutely no doubt about it: the 99__th__ Britannian Emperor, beloved by all for his just and peaceful reign, is nothing but an overprotective big brother!_

_The day was beautiful, the sun was shining, and the birds were singing. The atmosphere was festive and the venue was jam-packed with excited subjects itching to catch a glimpse of the happy couple. Confetti was in the air, cheers rang throughout the street and not a single frown to be seen._

_But none of these were the highlights of the event._

_The wedding itself was choreographed beautifully, with flocks of doves released at the Princess' appearance onstage. The dining was tastefully exquisite, with delicatessens from all around the globe being imported specially for the occasion. The open field was bedecked with white streamers and decorative chairs and tables for the many guests._

_But none of these were the highlights of the event._

_The invited guests were resplendent by themselves – each and every one of them glorious in their own right. Dignitaries from all the corners of the globe appeared for one of the most intriguing couplings for several decades, decked out in their finest. Members of nations with vastly different cultures rubbed shoulders with one another freely in the throng. Suzaku's former school friends sat alongside members of royalty such as Rolo vi Britannia, all gathered to witness the marriage taking place that day._

_But none of these were the highlights of the event._

_The characters of the ceremony itself were absolutely breath-taking themselves. Knight (or should that be…Prince?) Suzaku was dressed formally in his white Knight uniform, stating that his vows were merely "an extension and reaffirmation of his existing promise to her". Her Majesty Princess Euphemia li Kururugi (née Britannia) was attired her usual stunning dress, with a sash made especially for the occasion wrapped around her shoulder._

_But even these, the main players of the evening, were not the highlights of the event._

_At the reception given by the new couple, the crowd dined upon the sumptuous fare. However, many eyes were slyly watching the Britannian Emperor, wondering privately whether he would lose his cool. Several betting books had been made privately, and this reporter knows for a fact that at least that thirty-nine of the invitees (mostly his close friends) had money saying that Lelouch would blow a fuse sometime during the day._

_They were disappointed initially, however, as His Majesty showed no signs of repeating his famous 'courtroom' incident. He displayed remarkable restraint throughout the affair, seeming not to care one way or another for the whole thing. However, several hawk-eyed observers (this reporter included) took note of the way his fingers clenched during the duo's first kiss as a couple, and immediately placed more money in the betting pools._

_Despite the Emperor's model behavior throughout the ceremony, things really began to happen during the reception dinner. While other sources may be unclear about the exact reason for the sudden break, this reporter was in prime viewing position and managed to document the entire incident in detail._

_During the soup service, the Emperor happened to catch a glimpse of something of a discourse between Knight Gilbert Guilford and Princess Cornelia. It later was found that the Princess had spilt some of the soup onto her shirtsleeve, and her Knight was wiping the fluid off before it had a chance to stain the material, giving Guilford the appearance of stroking the Princess' hand._

_The following fight was eerily reminiscent of the fiasco that took place in court four years ago. The Emperor had shouted something unintelligible (later audio analysis by experts has been unable to discern his exact phrase, but the words " –ot going to lose another one, you wret–" were deciphered), sprang onto the table and tossed his chair at the two._

_Guilford, whose reflexes give the old war hound credit, had been on the lookout for just such an attack and managed to push the Princess to the ground before taking the projectile full-on. The piece of furniture struck the man and shattered, raising a mini-cloud of debris that briefly obscured the obdurate man. He emerged from the screen of sawdust unscathed, excused himself politely, brushed the splinters off of his epaulette, and commenced the offensive – apparently eager for a rematch._

_Deliberately picking up a long-handled ladle that had been used to serve the punch, Guilford clambered onto the table before taking off. He weaved through the surprised guest's plates effortlessly as he attempted to bull rush Lelouch. This reporter could only watch in awe as the Knight expertly avoided trampling any foodstuffs or fingers in his charge, dancing from opening to opening as he made his way towards his opponent._

_While this was going on, the Emperor was emptying all the plates near him of their contents and had begun flinging the ceramic discs Frisbee-style at Guilford's rapidly approaching form. The infuriated man eluded them gracefully, curving and twisting as he continued making his way towards Lelouch. Unfortunately, the plates that he dodged collided with…unfortunate targets._

_Kallen Kozuki, chief of security for the wedding, attempted to step between the combatants, but was creamed in the face by a tureen full of steaming hot soup tossed by Villetta Nu, who was livid after her husband, Prime Minister Kaname Ohgi, had been struck solidly on the forehead by one of the Emperor's plates. Kallen's retaliatory assault involved several thrown spring rolls, most of which unfortunately struck the ambassador from China, Li Xingke._

_Li Xingke, who was visiting the country with his fiancée Tianzi in celebration of having _finally_ freed her from the Vermillion Forbidden City, was understandably incensed by this, and hurled a retaliatory plate of spaghetti into the crowd at random, ultimately hitting Princess Cornelia, ruining her dress and promptly causing her to lose her temperament and dump her glass of wine on the nearest victim._

_After that, the dinner descended into a foodfight. The Emperor and Guilford danced upon the table itself, trading blows. In a curious reversal of their last duel, Guilford was lashing out with a twelve-foot metal rod that had previously been adorned by some fluttering streamers while the Emperor dodged and parried the crashing blows with a steak knife he'd plucked from a nearby roast side of beef._

_Kallen was locked in mortal combat with Villetta and Ohgi, hurling bundles of asparaguses at them while using a chair to shelter herself from their well-aimed butter knives and forks; and this reporter was dodging various foodstuffs that were being exchanged by Li Xingke, his betrothed, and Cornelia. Chaos reigned over the formerly pastoral scene._

_But even this carnage, glorious though it was, was not the highlight of the event._

_Suzaku Kururugi had been growing increasingly more and more irritated through all of this, reining in his temper for his new wife's sake. This reporter watched the new Knight Prince's frown grow deeper and deeper as he watched the events unfolding before him. The final straw, however, occurred when a stick of wood from a recently demolished table came within three inches of touching his wife's feet, rolling to a belated halt just in time._

_The following brutality was both wondrous and terrifying to watch. Standing up slowly, Suzaku's eyes gleamed with a murderous intent normally associated with manslayers and assassins. He quietly asked his wife for her sash, tying it around his own neck like a knight of yore wearing the favor of his lady._

_He slowly stalked towards the brawl, disabling straggling fighters as he passed them with scarcely a glance. When he arrived at the center, he breathed out low command that froze the blood of all who heard it, including this reporter (who was busy trying to strangle Jeremiah Gottwald…but that's another story)._

"_**Enough**__."_

_The battle immediately ceased for everyone save a few notable exceptions. Kururugi's expression when he realized that his Emperor, Guilford, Cornelia, Li Xingke, Empress Tianzi, Ohgi and Kallen were still fighting was, frankly, disturbing._

_This reporter watched as in the span of twenty-seven seconds, Prince Suzaku ended the combat. First, he smashed Li Xingke's head against his wife's, stunning them both. He then rounded upon Princess Cornelia, ducking under her initial haymaker and coming up from under with a devastating uppercut that knocked her flying through the air for at least eight feet._

_Prime Minister Ohgi and Villetta Nu were both knocked unconscious by the massive barbecue grill hurled at their entrenched position. Chief of Security Kallen, an experienced fighter, recognized the threat posed by Suzaku and settled into a defensive stance, scowling all the while._

_Suzaku, in a stunning display of speed, appeared to simply fade out of existence as he ran forward in a style vaguely reminiscent of the famed _Hiten Mitsurugi-ryū _technique of legend. This reporter could barely track his movements as the man nimbly swept the tablecloth off of a table as he sprinted by, barely dislodging the cutlery arranged on top of the fabric. Wielding the sheet like a Roman gladiator with a net, he phased back into the visible spectrum directly behind the unsuspecting Kozuki, who was wrapped up and knocked unconscious before she knew what was happening._

_Guilford and Lelouch had been fighting all this time, heedless of the massacre taking place around them. Guilford appeared to be gaining the upper hand, but his blows were becoming erratic and staggered. Lelouch, trying to press his advantage, hastily threw a plate of oysters onto the table. Guilford took a step forward, into the slippery mass of mollusks, and lost his footing a tiny amount._

_That 'tiny amount' was enough for Suzaku Kururugi to yank the man off of the table bodily, sending him flying in a heap to the ground. As the dazed man desperately tried to find his bearings, the very same pole that he had been wielding moments before collided soundly with his temple, knocking him out for eighteen hours straight._

_And then there was one. The Emperor faced down against his best friend upon a tabletop set in the wreckage of what had formerly been an absolutely perfect wedding. Lelouch held his knife defensively and warily advanced towards the newlywed, holding the demon-man at bay with his superior weapon. Confident in his ability to win with the blade, this reporter could only watch helplessly as the Emperor drove the Knight into a corner against a wine rack, menacing the defenseless man intensely._

_A silence fell upon the field. It was a tired silence…rather exhausted, actually. It covered the prone figures that lay scattered about the area and encompassed the gleefully cameramen, who were taking great care to document every moment of the occasion. The silence, tired though it was, was only broken by the heavy breathing of the two men facing each other off in the center of it all._

_Several bystanders were seen running to the Princess, begging for her intervention to prevent any bloodshed. She only smiled mysteriously, shook her head, and refused to step in._

_Everyone was surprised at her heartless attitude. However, this observer was in prime position to witness a brief smirk flicker across the pinned Knight's face, revealing that it was all a play. There was more going on here than met the eye._

_This was proven when, moving rapidly, Suzaku reached into the wine shelf he had been pinned against, pulled out two weighty bottles, and commenced the barrage, grinning wickedly all the while. Holding them like dual maces, he maniacally charged towards his knife-wielding foe, swinging as he went._

_Struck on the shoulder by a _'87 Burgundy White_ and taking a solid _'79 Tuscany Bolgheri_ to the shin, the beleaguered Emperor had no choice but to drop his weapon and retreat hurriedly. His foe wasn't going to let him go that easily, though. Snatching up the abandoned steak knife, Suzaku fluidly pinned Lelouch's extravagant cape to a nearby table. As the man struggled futilely to pull the imbedded weapon from the wood, Suzaku approached, an avenging angel hell-bent upon delivering retribution._

_Standing before the trapped man, the newlywed gathered his wife to his side. He looked into the Emperor's single eye for a moment, before saying:_

"_I'm going on a honeymoon, Lelouch. A _long_ honeymoon, to an unspecified location. Maybe right here in this city, maybe on the other side of the planet. Wherever it is, I don't want you to track us."_

_The Knight removed several electronic devices from his pocket. He bent his leg and pried another one off of the bottom of his shoe sole, then took his wife's brooch and wrestled another one off of that. Dropping them all in front of his defeated liege, he continued:_

"_I'm married now, Lelouch. You can ruin the rest of my married life as much as you wish, but the first few months…the first few months I intend to have for myself. You won't be able find us, and I plan to stay _incognito_ all the while."_

_He looked around at the butchery around him, at all the nobility scattered about the field, before smiling wryly. "Besides: how else am I going to hide from all the enemies I've made here today?"_

_With that, Suzaku Kururugi, husband to Princess Euphemia li Britannia and decorated Knight in the Britannian Empire, knocked his Emperor, the Bringer of Peace and the Destroyer and Maker of Worlds, unconscious with a bottle of _1869 Château Lafite_ to the face._

_And that was the highlight of the event._

By Diethard Reid, Chief Public Relations Officer to the Emperor

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><p>See Page 2 for "An Interview With Mr. Akira Toriyama: <span>Has Suzaku Kururugi Achieved 'Super Saiyan'<span>?"

See Page 3 for "_Tabula Rasa_: What is the Emperor Teaching Our Impressionable Children?"

See Page 4 for our _randomly chosen_ Reader-Submitted Essay by one 'Candid Columnist' excusing the Emperor's shortcomings, "Don't Blame Him Too Much: Those Who Dislike Pizza Are Idiots By Default"

See Pages 5-6 (centerfold and surrounding pages) for removable fold-out color pictures and posters of the event.

See Page 7 for "How _NOT _To Maintain Public Relations: A Heart-to-Heart Talk With Diethard Reid"

See Page 8 for our resident psychologist's in-depth analysis, "Time To Start Worrying: Is The Emperor Insane?"

See Page 9 (formerly the sports section) for the wrestling editor's play-by-play review of the fight, complete with diagrams, commentary and suggested moves.

See Page 10 for "Little Sisters Fight Back: The Wave of Cornelia-inspired Teenage Rebellion Sweeping The Country!"

See Page 11 for an important advertisement from our sponsors: "Where Are The New Couple Now? We Don't Know, But Here's Where _YOU_ Should Vacation – Top Ten Holiday Spots Around The World"

See Page 12 (Omake) for "Exclusive Interview With Silence: The Voiceless Speaks!"

xxXxx

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><p><strong>AN**: Insert the usual authorial noises about Reading and Reviewing. I don't care, I just hope you liked it!

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><p><strong>OMAKE<strong>: Exclusive Interview With Silence: The Voiceless Speaks! (Unedited Transcript)

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><p><em>Setting: A non-descript room with mirrored walls, a camera, and three chairs. There are three people inside: A reporter wearing a suit, a man dressed in grey with sunglasses, and a woman wearing jazzy clothes.<em>

**Reporter**: Hello? Is this on? Ahh, good. We've got visual…and audio is…it's already up, you say? Great! OK, then, folks. Greetings, and welcome to The New Japanian Exclusive interview with Silence. Silence, I see you've brought a friend! Care to introduce us?

**Silence** _(man in suit)_:…

**Jargon** _(brightly dressed woman)_: Guess that means I'm introducing myself, then. _(excitedly)_ My name's Jargon, and I'm the vociferous counterpart of Silence's psyche. It's great to be on national television, especially if it's being taped live. This is live, right?

**Reporter**: _(cautiously) _Umm, no. Actually, this is just a rough draft that we intend to edit down into a documentary.

**Jargon**: _(disappointedly)_ Oh…that's a bit of a bummer. I was hoping I could pull some stupid stunts on a live feed and get it broadcast around the world, but I guess that dream's dead.

**Silence**:…

**R**: Your friend doesn't say much, does he?

**J**: Who, Silence? Normally he's much more communicative than this – you know, grunting periodically and stuff. However, ever since that Zero character appeared all those years ago, he's never really recovered…

**R**: Zero? Wasn't he a terrorist almost a decade ago? What happened with him?

**J**: Well, you see, he kept pulling these insane stunts, right? _(listing out on fingers) _Freeing Suzaku, saving Princess Euphemia, declaring his undying hatred of Britannia; you know, the works. All these things kept on knocking people silent all over the planet, and Silence there just couldn't keep up. He actually had to take a break from his work for rest, if you can believe it. I mean, the last time that happened was when it was made public that vending machines kill four times more people yearly than sharks do!

**R**: Wow, crazy…do they really?

**J**: _(wearily)_ Yes, they do really. Trust me, I looked it up. Anyway, you can understand why he's still sensitive about the subject.

**S**: _(agitatedly)_…

**J**: _(consolingly)_ Don't worry, buddy, that guy's been gone for quite some time now. Good riddance too: Did he really think that he could bring down Britannia through violence and wind up with a better world? The only thing that could possibly achieve such an audacious feat would…would be…would be a self-sacrifice of epic proportions! As a modern woman, I just can't comprehend the stupidity behind such an act…but I'm rambling.

**R**: _(confusedly)_ Yes. Yes you are. But anyway, _(determinedly)_ you guys communicate even though he doesn't say anything? How does that work? And doesn't Silence, I dunno…silence people? Why can I still talk?

**J**: To answer your first question: yes, we can communicate. A good analogy that makes no sense whatsoever would be helpful here: Imagine that the two of us are a conversation. I'm the words, while he's the breaks and pauses.

**R**: _(rubbing temples)_ You're right…that analogy makes no sense whatsoever.

**J**: _(shrugging)_ Told ya so.

**S**:…

**J**: And to answer your second question: no offence, but he's never been able to really keep the reporters quiet, no matter what's going on. It takes big bro Censorship for that kind of work, and he only comes out when there're some major dictatorships ruling the world.

**R**: No offence taken…I think…

_(pause in conversation)_

**S**: _(nonchalantly) _Hrmm…

**R**: _(excitedly)_ He made a noise!…What does that mean, exactly?

**J**: It means that we've got a job waiting. Now, let's see what it is exactly _(she puts on nerdy spectacles and leafs through large book). _Let me see… _Hummm… Hmm… Hn… Hrm… _Ah, here it is! _Hrmm. _Ellipsis total: five. Arrangement: Iambic Pentameter, with half seconds gaps at points two and eleven. Let's see, that's…

**R**: What? What is it?

**J**: It appears to be the following: _An impossibly repressed man has just proposed to the secret love of his life after several years spent in denial_. Required: a Moderate Silence. Wow. Another one of those? _(sighs with boredom) _ Didn't we do one just a few months back with that pink-haired lady and that guy under the cherry trees? And before that, with that wacko in the lab coat who'd had his eyes closed for some reason? Or was that a different worldine? It gets so hard to keep track…_(trailing off)_

**R**: _(politely)_ Is something wrong?

**J**: _(coming out of reverie)_ Oh, nothing. We'll just have to get movi–

**S**: _(chokingly)_ Hrrgh…‽!

**J**: What? You mean…

**R**: _(excitedly)_ What? What's going on?

**J**: I have no idea…was that an interrobang? Haven't seen one of these in forever…_(pulls out even thicker, moldier book and pries the pages apart)_ Let's see…_hraagh…hrargh…hrgh…_ah, he we are…_hrrgh_. Punctuation: two ellipses, an interrobang, and an exclamation mark. Irregular intonation, with pauses at points twenty-eight and seventy-four.

**R**: Well, what is it?

**J**: _(still poring through the pages)_ Just a second…ah, here it is! _Princess Cornelia has just accepted Gilbert Guilford's proposal of marriage_. Required: a Crushing, Blanketing Silence for the Entire Surrounding Area. Wow, I didn't know we had that entry, romantic as it is.

**R**: _(gobsmacked)_…

**J**: _(pats Silence on back)_ Anyway, I could see how that would cause a stunned silence. Ready to get to work, old friend?

**S**:…

**J**: _(nods agreement sympathetically)_ So do I, pal. So do I. The whole family's just insane, I guess. Well, time to blow this pop stand! Or whatever the kids are saying nowadays.

**R**: _(finds tongue)_ Wait! You can't just leave! What about the exclusive? What about the rest of my questions?

**S**:…

**J**: Couldn't agree more. _(turns to reporter)_ Sorry, old man, but we're going to have to bail on you. Duty calls, and all that guff. Have a nice day!

**R**: No, no, no! Wait!

**S**:…

**J**: _(merrily)_ Cheerio, my friend!

**R**: Wait!

_*POOF*_

_[END TRANSCRIPT]_


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